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[18 Nov 2006|10:35am] |
Growing up scares the shit out of me. Thinking that I actually truely care about someone as much as I do is so weird to actually think about. Love scares the shit out of me. Letting down my guard has always and will always terrify me. Giving up things that help me relieve stress and make everything better makes me doubt myself, but I think that it'll be better for me in the long run.
I'm going to lose weight the healthy way, and I'm going to start feeling good about myself again. I'll be completely comfortable falling backwards into my bed, instead of just kind of comfortable. I'm going to start being nice to people again, and hanging out with friends, and not working a lot. I'm going to start being a teenager and not a work-a-holic. Right now, that's the most important thing.
I hope that it'll all be okay. I didn't sleep last night, at all. I'm running on empty.
I wasn't kidding when I told you that I could ruin you, but I'm even more serious when I say that I never want to hurt you and I can't imagine my life without you right now.
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[04 Jul 2006|03:20pm] |
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
We'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
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[31 May 2006|04:08pm] |
I'd do it all over again, in a heartbeat.
I'm doing it all over again, I can't feel my heart beat.
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[15 May 2006|05:09pm] |
I've never had to worry like this. I'd say that I've never made myself sick like this, but I've made myself sicker. I just want everything to be okay again, but somehow I find that that's too much to ask these days. I want summer to come, and I want to be happy. I'm going to spend a good two weeks in Chicopee, because I think that I honestly need it. I need it more than I need to breathe right now, which I keep having to remind myself to do. I read alot lately, because when I read I don't have to think about anything else, and that's heaven. There's 20 days left of school, and I no longer have any motivation. I've lost it. I listen to alot of music, I spend alot of money. I work alot, but it keeps me from concentrating on things that worry me, so I don't mind it. I miss alot of people, and I hurt too much. I've been writing alot lately, but I never save anything because nothing's ever any good. Teen angst trying to be poetic is never a good read.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
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[01 May 2006|05:26pm] |
I think I'm in love.
PLEASEDON'TLEAVEINSEPTEMBER.
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[18 Apr 2006|10:18pm] |
I'm too emotional and far too confusing, and far too confused. I'm far from content and even farther from being happy with myself. But I will be, I like being in control. I've been doing geometery problems for the past hour. Too much, but I need to start trying. I don't like B's. I don't like thinking about my GPA and my grades. I just want to be happy. I want to go out to a diner, and get nothing but ice water with lemon, and sit and talk for hours, and then go bowling, or somewhere. I need to go to the city soon. It'll be the death of me. I need to go to Chicopee, but not until I'm happy. I feel like a dissapointment when I go back there, like I'm not good enough, but I really never was. I miss those best friends. Mogwai tickets came in the mail. That means May is right around the corner, which means my birthday, and Prom, and dates and decisions. May means June is right around the corner and with June comes summer and by summer I WILL BE HAPPY. I'll go to the shore, and the city, and I'll tan and I'll feel good. For once I just want to feel good. Maybe I'll spend my entire summer in Chicopee. I think I might need to go away for a while. But Chicopee is too dramatic. Maybe with my aunt and uncle up near Boston. That's be nice, they have a house on a lake. I think I might do that.
I need to go do something, like homework, or studying or pilates. I need to stop all this bullshit.
Fuck you, everything. Fuck you mind and thoughts and worry. Just, forget it.
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[12 Apr 2006|08:33pm] |
I'm sick of trying to have a decent convosation with my mother and it just turning into an argument. I hate all the arguments that always happen, because they always happen.
I'm just so sick of it.
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[02 Apr 2006|11:08pm] |
I love him. I love this. I love Spring. I love how perfect everything is. I love my prom dress. I love him. I love random drives through where ever we end up. "Royersford?", "Fuck, how did we end up in Rofo?". I love bad movies. I love cuddling. I love looking at pufferfish in Petco, and deciding on what hampster I'm going to buy soon. I love being happy. I love him. I love how I feel infinate when I'm around him. I love how nothing seems like it can go wrong. I love how I'm so comfortable. I love how I could keep going on and on about the things that I love. I love that I love him.
I'm so happy.
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[27 Mar 2006|01:58am] |
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I'm halfway to happy and there's no looking back now.
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[21 Mar 2006|05:51pm] |
♥
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[19 Mar 2006|02:52pm] |
I'm still happy.
I love nights at Bridget Brooke's house. And trying to get on the roof. And talking to my boyfriend until past midnight then watching Rent. And Liberty thrift store shopping and everything.
The end.
Let's hang out.
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[15 Mar 2006|05:05pm] |
I'm happy.
I always write really depressing entries in this thing, but this isn't going to be depressing in the least. There's no reason that it should be.
I'm happy.
Everything just amazes me lately, especially this one boy who I think I pretty much adore. My friends are awesome, schools good, I have a job, I'm just...good. Things with the parentals are starting to look up (let's hope I don't fuck up again this time). Spring is right around the corner, and I don't think anyone has any idea how excited I am. I love Spring, it's my all time favorite season, because it's so nice. And Spring means that my birthday is right around the corner. Which means that Summer is soon after that. Oh boy, I'm loving this.
I'm loving everything.
I'm in love?
Maybe.
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[11 Mar 2006|01:16pm] |
I'm happy until I walk in the door, and then it's like there's invisible "miserable gas" floating around in here. I hate the relationship I have with my parents, I don't care if it's normal, it's not normal for me and I don't like it. I'm sick of fucking up all the time, I'm sick of sorry not meaning anything. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of getting yelled at for just not being good enough.
I could go on and list a million things that are bothering me right now, but what good would that serve? None of it's going to change anytime soon.
I can't call Massachusetts home anymore. It isn't. Home is where the heart is and it kills me to say that I hardly have any attachment there anymore. Everyone and everything that used to keep me stable has changed so dramatically. So much for my visits there keeping me sane, now they only stress me out more.
Everything just stresses me out lately.
Come pick me up, seriously. Let's hangout, and go to Philly or Valley Forge.
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[26 Feb 2006|10:26am] |
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I call it fear.
And I've recently overcome the fear I have with particular subjects. I refuse to allow myself to be hurt by him anymore, I can't let it happen. I can't keep kicking myself over a mistake that I made nearly 6 months ago. It's just not worth it anymore. I don't deserve that, I really don't. It'd be nice to get things fully settled, it'd be nice to be able to maintain some kind of relationship with him, but I can't even hold a convosation with him. Maybe, in time, we can talk about things, but until then I refuse to hurt over it any longer. I have new things, new possibilities, new people in my life that are more important to me than hurting over something that happened six months ago. There's far too much going on in my life right now to have to worry about all of that again, but still, sometimes, I find myself thinking about it, when I really shouldn't be. I'm still sorry.
I call it a plateau.
And it's what I seem to be on right now, with the new people, new things, new possiblies in my life. If relationships are supposed to progress throughout time, then what is this? I mean, I wish they'd progress, but I can't force things into happening. But I'm getting bored, just like I was afraid of. I'm the type of person that craves new things, new ideas, new events to keep living with any type of excitement in my life. I crave new. I crave change.
I call it fear.
I'm so afraid of hurting him like I hurt him. I'm so afraid of recreating that event and hurting someone I care about. I can't do it again, I couldn't handle it. Nothing hurts more than seeing the one person you care the most about hate you over something that you caused. I think it hurts the most because you can't blame anyone else. You can't make someone else the scapegoat, you can't make many excuses, and you can't fix it.
I call it a plateau.
I need to get over this fear, so I can some way progress with what I have now, since the fear of hurting more by him is gone. If I can some way completely put it out of my mind, if I could some way find a way to stop being so afraid of something that doesn't really have a high probibility of happening again. But I can't, I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to get over things because of the emotional scars that it left me with the first time. I just can't bring myself to stop thinking about it everytime I kiss him, I can't bring myself to stop thinking about it everytime I think about how I'm starting to really care about him. I can't bring myself to get over it. I need to.
I call it fear.
I call it a plateau.
I call it being stuck on a plateau, with alot of fear.
Someone get me off.
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[19 Feb 2006|01:35pm] |
I can sit here for as long as I want, unshowered in clothes from yesterday, on my normal 4 hours of nightly sleep and listen to Death Cab For Cutie for as long as I want, but what does it really accomplish? I can sit here and wonder why I feel the way I do, or why certain things effect me in such odd ways, but what would that do for my current state of mind? I can sit here and ponder my feelings for that one boy, but I'm already confused enough as it is over my general feelings that I doubt that specifically pondering anything would be a good desicion for me right now. I can sit here and pretend that nothing extreme is going on in my life, and that everything is as okay as it's always been, but then again that'd be another lie because everything's never really been okay.
I just wish that I could trust someone enough to explain to them all of these things running through my head, but I find it hard to even piece together little problems to explain to my best friend anymore. I feel like a mumbling jumble of mess, and I don't like feeling like this at all. I feel like I'm lying to everyone recently. When I talk to people, I'm talking to them but it doesn't really feel like I'm talking to them. It feels like someone else is talking for me, someone else is making jokes, someone else is watching them laugh.
When I get into moods like these, they're just so extreme that it makes me cherish every little thing that someone does in an attempt to get me to smile again. I adore them for it, and I appreciate it more than they know. I'd really be nowhere without my friends and I realize that more and more as I grow up.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've sat here for the past half hour trying to put my feelings into words and it just isn't working. I think I just want to be content. I want to be sure of something. I don't want to have to worry about people lying and deception. I don't want to be so worried about getting hurt, I want reassurance. I just want a guarentee that my heart will stay in one piece because it's already a little worn. I want to be sure that words and feelings are honest. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to go back to two weeks ago when none of this had happened yet. I want to be able to deal with one problem in my life at a time without them stacking on top of each other.
But who knows if that's even possible anymore.
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[17 Feb 2006|10:53pm] |
I'm the type of person that needs reassurance. I don't like when people don't like me, I don't like competition. I don't like feeling as if I'm not good enough. I don't like even having the possiblity of having to doubt that. I don't like comparing myself to other people.
I wish I could just ask, and get a concrete answer about anything from anyone. I wish that everything would just get back to normal again. I miss being happy. I miss being comfortable with being me.
I'm afraid of getting bored. When I don't know where things are headed, or if they're even headed anywhere I get worried, and convince myself that I'm bored. I'm really just afraid of getting hurt. So afraid of getting hurt that I'll sacrfice my happiness for saneness, even though half the time I don't even have that.
Fuck.
I hate that feeling where I want to run around, fail my arms, and scream at the top of my lungs at the same time as I want to turn off all the lights, curl into a ball, listen to Bright Eyes, and cry.
I hate this feeling more than anything.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel completely uncontent with every aspect of my life.
As for those things, that act as markers in your life, but in between, you can't remember. Or so it seems, that you've grown up and over me, and these silly things, I like to dwell on.
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[17 Jun 2005|11:08am] |
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Deleted all my entries.
I need a fresh start.
♥
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